Lyrical delights

I've always been a fan of Shel Sivlerstein. As a kid especially.

But now I've been looking into his music - lyrics mainly - for adults. Some of it's just odd, but some of it I find funny.

So here's a couple of good ones I found.

THREE-LEGGED MAN

Well now friends you'll never guess it so I really must confess it
I just met the sweetest woman of my long dismal life.
But a friend of mine said, "Buddy, just in case your mind is muddy,
Don't you know that girl you're fooling with is Peg-Leg Johnson's wife.
And that man is big and rough and mean and grim,
And he'll brain you with his artificial limb.
But next morning bright and early I stole old Peg-Leg's girlie,
And I also took his wooden leg just to play it safe.
But there weren't no time for laughter 'cause he started hopping after,
And I keep on running faster but he won't give up the chase.
And I'm running through the mountain with his bride,
And I got his wooden leg here by my side.

I'm a three-legged man with a two-legged woman
Being chased cross country by a one-legged fool.
Though he's huffing and he's puffing and he shows no sign of stopping,
I tell you, boys, this life is hard and cruel.

'Cross the deserts and the valleys and the dark Chicago alleys
'Cross the mighty Mississippi to the hills of Caroline.
Through the mountains of Montana and the swamps of Louisiana
Every time that I look back he's JUST one foot behind.
And I know he must be cold and wet and sick,
But in spite of all his woes he can kick.
Now he's ragged and he's filthy, and I'm feeling mighty guilty
'Specially in the evenings when I hear him plead and beg.
He says "In spite of all your stealing friend, I bear you no hard feelings.
You can keep that darned old woman but please give me back my leg."
'Cause although the one you meant to take was wooden
In the dark by mistake you took my good'un.

Copyright 1965, Hollis Music, NY. Playboy, December, 1966


YOUR CREDIT CARD WON'T GET YOU INTO HEAVEN

Your credit card won't get you into heaven.
Your Visa will not buy you silver wings.
When you're burning down in hell with no water in the well,
Your Diner's Club won't buy you one cold drink.

You can not charge salvation or redemption.
Your Master Charge it won't help to save your skin.
And when you're standing at the gates
And they slam them in your face,
Your Playboy key, it will not get you in.

By Shel SilversteinFrom Bobby Bare's "Drunk and Crazy", 1980. Copyright 1980, Evil Eye Music.


THE UGLIEST MAN IN TOWN

Handsome guys get girls that are pretty,
Other guys make it 'cause they're clever and witty,
But the only love I ever got, I got out of pity,
'Cause I'm the ugliest guy in town.

Yeah, I drive down the road in a platinum car,
Use hundred dollar bills when I light my cigar,
But still an' all, you know, that won't get you very far
When you're the ugliest man in town.

There was a note on the doorstep where I was found,
Is said, "This sweet child weighs eleven pounds,
So bring him up healthy and welthy and sound,
Keep his back to the light, don't let him turn around.

Yeah, all you women, you're heartless and cold.
All you want is my silver and gold.
Say now, don't you know I've got a beautiful soul,
Though I'm the ugliest man in town?

Yeah, I'm so ugly, I shave in the dark,
Kids start to cry when I walk through the park,
Clocks stop tickin' and dogs start to bark
Whenever I come around.

Yeah, I walk down the street and the girls all hiss me,
If I died tomorrow, not one of them would miss me.
Only reason they ball me is they can't stand to kiss me.
I'm the ugliest man in town.

Oh, yeah.. the ugliest man in town.

Copyright 1965 and 1968 Hollis Music, NY. Released in 1965 on Shel Silverstein's "I'm So Good That I Don't Have to Brag."